The holiday table can make for the best of conversations — and the worst of conversations.
In general, good things happen when we gather together for meals. For instance, research shows that when children eat with their parents, they consume more vegetables, have higher self-esteem, lower risk for substance use and better reading scores, vocabulary and grades.
While the holidays are a great opportunity to bring people together for a meal, the conversation there can be uniquely fraught. The table often includes a mix of people who don’t normally spend time together — chatty grandparents and sullen teens, picky eaters and exuberant noshers, sober friends and holiday imbibers, vegetarians and turkey lovers, liberals and conservatives, skilled chefs and bad cooks, the vaccinated and the unvaccinated.
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Alice Julier, professor of food studies at Chatham University in Pittsburgh, said she often talks with students who feel anxious about returning home for the holiday meal.
“There’s nothing like a holiday meal to bring into focus what has or hasn’t changed in a year,” said Julier, author of the book “Eating Together: Food, Friendship and Inequality.” “It gives you a chance to assess. Who’s aged? Who’s deepened their quirks or belief systems? Who has changed their eating practices? All those things come together in a single day, in a single meal.”
One way to get the best out of holiday conversation is to know what not to talk about. We’ve gathered advice from the Family Dinner Project and other experts to help you steer clear of risky conversations and be ready to rescue your diners from the kind of table chatter that can spoil an appetite. Here’s what they had to say.
1. Don’t comment on what others are eating
Although it’s fine to praise the chef or talk about how much you love sweet potato casserole, refrain from making comments or jokes about what others are eating or not eating. Discussion of food choices can put children at risk for eating disorders. And it can be a trigger for adults with a history of disordered eating. And your comments about the food on someone’s plate are not welcome. Examples of food shaming range from “You eat like a bird” to “Are you going to eat all of that?”
2. Stop talking about the wine
Be aware if one or more of your guests is recovering from alcohol use disorder. Excessive discussion of wine or alcoholic beverages can make them feel uncomfortable. When you have a sober guest at the table, keep the wine and alcoholic beverages on a separate table, so bottles are not being passed around them.
3. Don’t ask students about grades, school or college plans
For young children, discussing bad grades or problems at school at the dinner table will just make them dread eating with the family. High school students are stressed out enough — the last thing they want to talk about during the winter holidays is the college application process.
4. Avoid asking people about having kids or getting married
What is it about holiday gatherings that prompts some people to discuss reproduction? Plenty of people are child-free by choice. Others may be coping with infertility or a recent miscarriage. Either way, even well-intentioned comments such as “It will happen,” “Don’t give up” and “Will you try again?” are intrusive and often hurtful. And while we’re on the topic, people who are single don’t want to be grilled about their relationship prospects, either.
5. Skip the politics
Political conversations are a fast way to derail the celebratory vibe. Tempers can flare, and people can feel picked on if their views diverge from most of those at the table. If the discussion does turn to politics, or one person starts espousing political beliefs you disagree with, don’t try changing minds over a meal.
Be ready to change the subject
Whether you’re a host or a guest, just remember that everyone needs rescuing from time to time. Pay attention to multigenerational tables, and intervene if a grandparent is criticizing a child’s eating habits. Save the sole single person at the table from probing questions. If the discussion turns to politics, be ready to jump in.
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The Family Dinner Project has a number of holiday conversation starters (“What’s your favorite family tradition?” “If you could start a charity, who would it help?” “If you had a superpower, what would it be?”) and printable place mats with questions guests can ask each other.
Despite the potential pitfalls of holiday conversation, there’s also the potential joy of reconnecting with family and friends. And if things don’t go perfectly, that’s okay, too.
Holiday meals "can unfortunately bring out the tensions, but tensions aren’t always bad. We learn who we are that way,” said Julier. “The only thing I say to students is to be prepared, be ready and don’t take it all on. And try to enjoy the meal.”
Please let us know how we are doing. Email me at wellbeing@washpost.com.
