YAKIMA, Wash. -- I love newspaper food pages, what with their Bolognese sauce recipes and reviews of locavore bistros. They tell us how to eat well, and that’s something of real value. Putting thought into what we put in our bodies is never a bad thing.
That said, sometimes I just wanna grab some garbage food and shove greedy handfuls of it into my dumb face. There’s not much coverage of junk food in the food pages, and this feature seeks to remedy that.
In every biweekly edition of Pat Eats Garbage Food, I’ll review a different fast food item or convenience store snack and let you know what works and what doesn’t. (You’ll note I didn’t say what’s good and what’s bad; it’s all bad. That’s the point.)
■ The food: This week we address a food-adjacent product that really can only be eaten straight from the jar: Tostitos Salsa con Queso. It’s that bright yellow stuff they keep over by the chips, it is objectively disgusting, and it’s among the most addictive products in the world. You can serve it cold, which leaves it with a stiffer gelatinous consistency, or you can heat up the jar, which makes it soupy. Both ways are gross, but I prefer it cold.
The only real rule of eating Tostitos Salsa con Queso is that it has to be straight from the jar. This is not a dip you pour into a bowl to serve during a party; it’s the secret-stash item you bring out at the very end of the party when it’s just you and two of your drunkest, closest friends. Then you huddle around it and keep dipping chips until the three of you have finished the jar. Then you pass out.
■ The damage: $3.49 for a 15-ounce jar or $3.99 for a 23-ounce jar. But don’t get the 23-ounce jar.
■ The other damage: 40 calories, 2.5 grams of fat and 280 milligrams of sodium per 2-tablespoon serving. Since you’ll be eating the whole jar, and there are approximately 13 servings per jar, you can go ahead and make that 520 calories, 32.5 grams of fat and 3,640 milligrams of sodium. Plus, you know, you’ll simultaneously be eating a lot of chips.
■ Official description: Per www.fritolay.com: “From entertaining friends to relaxing at home and everything in between, our perfectly blended salsas and great-tasting dips are always a hit.”
■ My description: I hate it. I never buy it. But somehow there’s always a jar in my house. And when I find it, I eat the whole thing.
■ How does it feel? Shameful. There are some lousy, indulgent foods you can gorge yourself on and call “guilty pleasures” and laugh about with your friends. This isn’t one. This one you shouldn’t talk about publicly. If you’re going to eat it, keep that to yourself.
■ Will I eat it again? I wish I could say no.
■ Final verdict: Negative 1 million out of 10. I wish it would return to the hell from which it sprang.
